lost in the sea of my mind.

i find it kind of embarrassing that maybe all of my 200+friends get updates whenever i blog.aside from the fact that its embarrassing,i do not want to shamelessly plug my thoughts to everyone.

so i am transferring to another blogsite.where no one will know that I am making that brainless post.

but what’s the point of having a blog when you don’t want others to read it,right?

and besides,i have another blog which i will never ever ever tell anyone.(nev-er.)

if you are bored enough to want to know where I’m currently sinking my feet into,send a message(i don’t bite.online.)

I’ll probably go sentimental and write in here from time to time.

sooo.it’s been nice talking to you,friendster.have a nice life.

more than wanting for a new phone.or a new laptop.or a trip to Greece.

more than wanting to be a literary scholar. or a professional travel writer.

I do not know how to end it,but I do know I want it to end.

Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.

Watch.and cry.

Children should NEVER cry for the mistakes of adults.

And children should definitely NOT pay for their(adults) mistakes,with,most horribly,their lives.

Ay. I am becoming more engrossed over volunteering because of this.

Pause. I just found out that I could have been the godmother of twins.(My closest cousin is pregnant,after only a year of marriage.HURRAY!)

Aww,shucks.

Pero it’s okay,I think there was no fully formed baby yet(I think),because they only found a heartbeat on the baby last Sat.

Pause again.I’m going to look for the perfect baby name. Wuhoooooo.

Oh. This will be one loooong research. I have to find 2 names,for in case it’s a boy,or a girl.and they want 2 names. With no specified language of origin,or specific letter to start with.

Woooooooo.I am so happeh.

THIS IS ME GOING BI-POLAR AGAIN.DO YOU SEE?

And earlier today,I was kilig. Ay nako.

I must stop this insanity. Right away. Focus,focus.

i want to work for UN/UNICEF/WFP/WHO/WYA.

Mad World

I’ve been looking for this song ever since I heard it during a spontaneous trip to National. I got caught by the lines, “children waiting for the day they feel good.” I mean, whaaat? Children are generally happy little critters.

The lyrics (plus the video someone made to match the song) didn’t make me cry, but it made me really sad:

Mad World

All around me are familiar faces,
Worn out places, worn out faces.
Bright and early for their daily races,
Going nowhere, going nowhere.

Their tears are filling up their glasses,
No expression, no expression.
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow,
No tomorrow, no tomorrow.

And I find it kind of funny,
I find it kind of sad;
The dreams in which I’m dying
Are the best I’ve ever had.
I find it hard to tell you;
I find it hard to take;
When people run in circles
It’s a very, very
Mad world,
Mad world.

Children waiting for the day they feel good,
Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday.
When they feel the way that every child should,
Sit and listen, sit and listen.

Went to school and I was very nervous;
No one knew me, no one knew me.
Hello teacher tell me what’s my lesson.
Look right through me, look right through me.

And I find it kind of funny,
I find it kind of sad;
The dreams in which I’m dying
Are the best I’ve ever had.
I find it hard to tell you,
‘Cos I find it hard to take;
When people run in circles
It’s a very, very
Mad world,
Mad world.
Enlargen your world;
Mad world.

Another version: Mad World Ver.2

It’s heartbreaking to think that someone would find dreams of dying better than living, because it’s a “mad world”.

I agree that it is a very evil world. The news earlier said that for the past three weeks alone,there had been 13 salvage victims flung like animals along national highways.

Salvages. Child Abuse. Murder. Exploitation of Women. Domestic Violence. Discrimination. Tears. Cheating. Bullets.

These topics have been talked about for so long that hardly anyone strongly reacts about it anymore. A killing would just be that. Letters forming the word.

How could we ever doubt the evil that surrounds the world and clouds the hearts of men?

But as much as the world is evil, it is also good.

Family.

One good friend.

A big smile.

Hugs.

Stars on a clear night sky.

A small bar of your favorite chocolate.

A sunny day at the beach. Sand between your toes. Intertwined fingers.

A good meal. One house. The ability to walk and talk.

The freedom to live and see the world.

Just the opportunity to live.

So where does that leave people who want to change the world?

“Be the change you want to see in the world”- Gandhi

“Consciously or unconsciously, every one of us does render some service or other. If we cultivate the habit of doing this service deliberately, our desire for service will steadily grow stronger and we will make not only our own happiness, but that of the world at large.”- Gandhi

I can do that through my writing, and probably, through volunteering for an NGO after graduation.

Will you be a bringer of change?

I hate it when people are not serious about things like these. I have friends like that and I think it’s very apathetic of them. They spend their money on beer or on computer games. Useless things. Things that do no good to them and to the world. It’s stupid. I get it that they have to “relax” but sometimes, I wish that one day, they’d decide to spend it on a meal for one street kid a day. Or donate it to charity.

I’ll stop now before someone starts calling me a saint. I am no Mother Teresa, but I do want to help. Very much so.

If there was one way to get me clinically insane, it would be to make me paranoid enough to scream out “S#$t!” after “S#$t!” at completely random times. (And I do not do that very often.)

I am currently trying to repress the memory. And in the process, the central object behind the paranoia.

This madness has got to stop.

It should have been long gone, since the holidays have been over and done with for almost a month now. It’s nearing Valentine’s,for chrissakes.

If you care about what is keeping me troubled for more than half a day already(well, i’m counting the hours since the “incident”), please pray for my salvation from insanity. Help me forget. And help the object of my paranoia help me forget this madness by not acknowledging my presence.

Oh how I wish I could be invisible when I want to.

I need a distraction.

Okay, when you think about it, I already have lots of distraction.

1. PHILO. (I, unbelievably,got an okay grade for my midterm orals.I’m pretty fine with a C/C+. Kind of makes the one hour sleep worth it. But it’s still not enough. I want at least a C+ or a B.Must career that Ilych paper later today.)

2. THEO. (This subject is sooo…blah. Sometimes the lessons interest me, sometimes they make me want to squeeze my eyeballs out just for fun.But I HAVE to pass.)

3. All the other frickin’ core subjects that demand an insane amount of time for studying.

4. dinner date with former Lit classmates on Tuesday (I miss them Lit freaks.HURRAY FOR LIT LOVERS!)

See,this is me going bi-polar. I’m suddenly ecstatic. Trust that after typing this down, I’ll go back to my anxious, paranoid self.

Okay, here it comes again.

Oh Lord. I do wish that UK Education Fair thing C and I (and probably P,G and A too) are going to on Sunday will accept me and take me far far away.

Gusto ko na mag-summer.

Gusto ko na mag-States para makita ko na rin my adorable cousins(? I have no idea whether they’re my cousins or my niece and nephew.), Kelly and Kevin, I’ve only spoken to them both on the phone when they went to Bicol a few weeks ago(with their mom. their dad and 3 of their older sisters went to Mexico instead of PI for the winter break.), which would have been the cue for me to go back home for the weekend!(one of my regrets this year. ) I’ve been told they’re the most malambing kids ever. I also wanted to be kissed and hugged and cuddled up to and be told of every trivial thing they’ve encountered every time they go and visit some foreign place, like what they did with my parents(who’ve reported that they think their real daughter was switched from a stressed, absentee 19 year old to a charming 7 year old Fil-Am) and my yaya (who, from the way she talks, completely adores the two.) Now all they got to see was my debut picture. And I just have photos of them mms-ed to me by my Dad. If they don’t come by the country around the time of (hopefully) my graduation, then I will come and visit them.

I swear.

Yeah, this post, just like any other post, has become interdisciplinary (woot.IS represent.) Its always a fusion of different topics, never of just a single one.

Oh, I watched a debate yesterday(as its 2am now) between AISM members and some of the teachers of the Fil dept(who I think,were all gay.) Although I don’t need to say it, the teachers won. It was about Fil culture, and they have to be creative and interdisciplinary in their arguments. Like, “Goto King or Tapa King?” or “Jeep, Tricycle or FX?”, “Call or Text?”, “Kim Atienza or Ernie Baron?” The teachers were soooo funny. We left the brick pavement steps thing(I don’t know what to call that part of school.) with our stomachs hurting. Oh, that was a great distraction.

See, bi-polar. I told you.

Maybe I’ll write another one when I’m completely myself. (Yep, I’m incomplete, because my mind is sometimes in Romania,sometimes around 3 yesterday,sometimes in San Francisco, sometimes inside a Wicked Oreos cookie thing and sometimes just floating around in my room. Yep, my brain is more than just damaged.)

February na.

Dadami nanaman ang magpupula sa school. Puwede bang i-ban ang PDA sa school pagmalapit na Valentine’s? Hindi kasi nakakainggit, nakakadiri. Eeek.

and it doesn’t help that I’ve taken a sudden liking to sad, romantic songs.

and I’m procrastinating yet again.

i have nothing to do. (that I want.)

that’s about it.

I saw this at the bulletin board and thought, “I’m bored to death. Why don’t I play egotistical and answer a self-satisfying survey?”

054. Food: siomai. my mother’s mechado,sinigang,adobo, nilaga, oh I could go on but then this makes me homesick so I’ll stop.